My Sexual and Romantic Identities: How Do I Identify?

This is a follow up from my last post, where I discussed how I identify in regards to my gender. As I said in that post, I talk a lot on here talking about all different gender identities and sexualities, but I've never actually taken the time to address how I identify.

Photo Credit: The Trevor Project

My gender identity is a little simpler to explain, mainly because I still have NO idea how I identify romantically or sexually. 

First off, it's important to explain that there is a difference between your sexual identity and your romantic identity. To do that, I'm going to refer to this bit from the Unc-Chapel Hill LGBT Center:

Attraction - There are many different types of attraction, including:

• Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
• Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
• Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
• Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
• Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
• Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

Romantic Orientation – Describes an individual’s pattern of romantic attraction based on a person’s gender(s) regardless of one’s sexual orientation. For individuals who experience sexual attraction, their sexual orientation and romantic orientation are often in alignment (i.e. they experience sexual attraction toward individuals of the same gender(s) as the individuals they are interested in forming romantic relationships with).

            Examples of Romantic Orientations (not an exhaustive list):

• Aromantic: individuals who do not experience romantic attraction toward individuals of any gender(s)
• Biromantic: romantic attraction toward males and females
• Heteroromantic: romantic attraction toward person(s) of a different gender
• Homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender
• Panromantic: romantic attraction towards persons of every gender(s)
• Polyromantic: romantic attraction toward multiple, but not all genders
• Gray-romantic: individuals who do not often experience romantic attraction
• Demiromantic: an individual who does not experience romantic attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed. People who refer to themselves as demiromantic may choose to further specify the gender(s) of those they are attracted to (e.g. demi-homoromantic).

In understanding identities and attractions, it is important to remember that orientation and attraction do not necessarily define or predict behavior. This is another important reason why it is important to ask people how they identify, as you cannot assume you know someone’s identity based on their behavior. This also means that you cannot assume what types of relationships or behaviors a person will engage in simply by knowing how they identify.

Sexual identities and romantic orientations are not linked and therefore a person could be asexual, aromantic, neither, or both asexual and aromantic.

Now back to me...

I know I like women in all aspects - both romantically and sexually - and this is inclusive to any women.

As far as men go, I am really not sure where I stand. At this point in my life, I'm pretty sure I am romantically attracted to men but I am not sure how far that goes or if that applies to anything beyond that point like a sexual attraction.

I have never been attracted to somebody who is genderfluid like me or intersex or any other nonbinary identity, but I know that I could be romantically attracted to someone like that. As far as a sexual attraction, I feel the same way here as I do about a sexual attraction to men.

I'm someone that hates not having a label, so as of this point I'd say I'm Panromantic and Gynesexual, or Panromantic and Pansexual-Curious. But who knows what could happen?

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Gender Identity:  A person's personal perception of their own gender

Non-binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female 

Sexuality: A person's sexual orientation, preference, or capacity for sexual feelings

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity fluctuates between two or more identities

Intersex: Someone who is born with sexual anatomy that does not fit within one label of male or female.

Panromantic: A person who is romantically attracted to others but is not limited by the other's sex or gender

Gynesexual: A person who is sexually attracted to women only.

Pansexual: A person who is sexually attracted to others but is not limited by the other's sex or gender

True Life: I'm Genderqueer (Full Episode!)

Here's the link to the full episode of the True Life: I'm Genderqueer special I talked about in my last post. It's a good watch!



http://www.mtv.com/full-episodes/9vkwdv/true-life-i-m-genderqueer-ep-genderq

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Genderqueer: Someone who does not identify with a single, exclusively masculine or feminine gender identity

How Can I Avoid Misgendering Someone?

Photo Credit: Robert Gehl

So someone you know came out as transgender, or has asked you to use a different name or pronouns than you were using for them before. Obviously, getting used to referring to someone a different way will not always be an automatic thing. People are creatures of habit by nature. If we're used to doing something one way, we often do it that way without even thinking about it; and while changing that is definitely possible, it takes effort. 

We get it - it's okay! Nobody is perfect and mistakes happen. But obviously, you probably don't want to misgender someone just as badly as they don't want to be misgendered by you. Here are some things I have either tried myself or heard from others that can help you avoid accidentally misgendering someone, or get you used to remembering names and pronouns.

Never Assume

Realize that you CANNOT tell someone's pronouns just by looking at them. 

Gender expression and gender identity are two completely different things.
Recognize that just because someone may look or act in a way that is seen as very masculine, does not mean they identify as a man. 

Recognize that just because someone buys products seen as female-exclusive does not mean they are a woman.

This is the most important thing you can do to avoid misgendering people, even if it's all mental.

If you stop making assumptions in your head, you'll stop making them out loud.

Ask!

If you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just ask! People are a lot less likely to be offended by you asking than they would be if you just assumed and got it wrong. I personally feel very respected when people make the effort to ask instead of just guessing. 

If you're really that uncomfortable just asking someone that right off the bat, get in the habit of introducing yourself with the pronouns you go by.

If you introduce yourself with: "Hi, I'm Tristan and I use xe/xem pronouns"

It's likely you'll get similar info in their introduction back.

Use gender neutral pronouns as often as you can,

 especially in LGBTQIA+ spaces.

I've met women with beards and men with breasts.

I've met nonbinary and agender people that present very feminine or masculine, or are completely androgynous.

So just to clarify again - You CANNOT tell anyone's pronouns just by looking at them.

Which is why using gender neutral pronouns until you are positive of how someone identifies can be a very crucial thing that everyone should really learn to do.

While I think this is important to do no matter where you are, I find it especially important in places where you know there is a large amount of LGBTQIA+ people around.

At my first job I worked in a company that sold feminine clothing,

so we were trained to say "Hello lady/ladies, welcome to *store name*" every time someone came in.

But since clothing is genderless and there was no way to tell if everyone coming in identified as a lady, I got in the habit of saying "Hello everyone" or just simple "Hello, welcome to *store name*,

Some more examples...

Instead of "Mr", "Mrs.", "Miss" say "Mx.", their last name ("Novak" instead of "Mr. Novak"), or avoid the title ("Maya Matlin" instead of "Miss Matlin").

Instead of "He", "She", "Him", "Her", "His", "Hers" etc. say... "They", "Them", "Theirs" etc.

Instead of "You guys" say "You all; Everyone; All of you"

Instead of "That  is for that man/woman over there" say "That is for that person over there". or a descriptor like "That is for the person in the pink shirt".

Instead of "Ladies and Gentlemen" or "Boys and Girls" say "People, Folks, Children", etc.

Instead of "police man", "fireman", "stewardess" etc. say "police officer", "fire fighter", "flight attendant", etc.

Names can also be used in place of any pronouns, like saying:

"That belongs to Clare", "Jonah is not a senior" or "Where did Eli go?"

in place of   "That belongs to her", "They are not a senior", or "Where did he go?"

Look!

Now, before you say that this contradicts what I said about not being able to tell someone's gender identity by looking at them - I don't mean look at the person.

Many people include their pronouns somewhere on social media, like listing them in their Twitter or Instagram bios. Facebook even has an option for gender neutral pronouns to be used in place of he/him or she/her.

I wear a necklace with my pronouns on it almost every day. I've seen people do the same, as well as list them on nametags in appropriate circumstances. While this is not too common, I always check for something like this just to be safe.

Intigrate new information into the old

If you're dealing with someone who has just come out, mix their new info in with the old until you've got it down.

If your friend Gracie now wants to go by Adam you might get confused if you see that name pop up in your text messages and aren't used to calling that person by that name yet.

Try changing their contact info name to something like:

"Adam (Gracie)"

until you remember who that is and can just list them as Adam without being confused.

You can also add pronouns in there if those change too, like:

"Adam (Gracie - He/Him"

"Drew (They/Them)"

"Bianca (Ze/Zir)"

etc.

Practice

I've sat with my laptop open to someone's Facebook pictures and scrolled through them and said their pronouns over and over until they were drilled in my brain along with their face.

I've practiced sentences over and over in my head with someone's new name.

I've heard of people writing their friends' new names or pronouns over and over together so they associate them with each other.

When I joined a group chat with 30+ people I didn't know, I made a document in my phone with everyone's username, name and pronouns and opened it whenever I was on chat until I knew who everyone was and how they identified/

There is nothing wrong with having to do a certain tactic or two to get yourself out of an old habit and into a new one.

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Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth.

Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name".

Gender Expression: The way a person externally presents their or any gender identity, or the concept of masculinity vs. femininity

Non-binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female 

Agender: Someone who does not have a gender identity.

Androgynous: Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics 

Gender Neutral: Applicable to any or all genders

LGBTQIA+: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, plus

Mx.: A gender neutral title, in place of "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss."

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender