Oops: I Accidentally Misgendered Someone...Now What?

I'm misgendered on a daily basis. On mistake, on purpose, by strangers, by friends, family classmates, co-workers, and teachers, by people I'm not out to, by people I am out to. And yeah - it sucks. But it happens, and I get that. I know that it's not practical to expect the world around me to instantly know, use, or respect my gender identity.

This is a pretty universal mindset for transgender people. Nobody likes being misgendered - and at times it can really ruin your day/week/month and cause some pretty crappy gender dysphoria. But as much as we hate it we know it's gonna happen.

What makes all the difference is what goes on after it happens. Misgendering someone on purpose is never okay. But when it happens on accident - we get it. Accidents happen. Sometimes it's just out of habit - our names and pronouns are new and you're still getting used to it. Sometimes it's an honest slip of tongue. Sometimes you just didn't know and forgot not to assume. I'm trans and I know I've accidentally misgendered people. Probably more times than I do even know about, honestly.

The point is, it's not the end of the world if you screw up. If it's an honest accident, most transgender people aren't going to instantly hate you forever. But it is important to react appropriately when it does happen.

If you accidentally misgender someone...

Do:
Apologize: Say you're sorry, correct yourself, and move on quickly.
"We're still waiting for her- I'm sorry, him- to come. "
"We're still waiting for Alli-I'm sorry, Dallas - to come."



Don't:
Over-Apologize: We know you mean good, but drawing attention to it like this just makes it more uncomfortable. 
"We're still waiting for her...oh my god! Him! It's him. I'm sorry. We're waiting for him. Oh god I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I know it's him, not her. Him him him. I'll get it next time I promise. Him. Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. Are you okay? Can you forgive me? Okay. We're waiting for HIM -to come."

It's really as easy as that!

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Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name".

Out: A term used for someone who has already "come out" about how they identify in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender Dysphoria: When someone experiences discomfort or distress over a mismatch between their gender identity and assigned sex at birth.

How Can I Avoid Misgendering Someone?

Photo Credit: Robert Gehl

So someone you know came out as transgender, or has asked you to use a different name or pronouns than you were using for them before. Obviously, getting used to referring to someone a different way will not always be an automatic thing. People are creatures of habit by nature. If we're used to doing something one way, we often do it that way without even thinking about it; and while changing that is definitely possible, it takes effort. 

We get it - it's okay! Nobody is perfect and mistakes happen. But obviously, you probably don't want to misgender someone just as badly as they don't want to be misgendered by you. Here are some things I have either tried myself or heard from others that can help you avoid accidentally misgendering someone, or get you used to remembering names and pronouns.

Never Assume

Realize that you CANNOT tell someone's pronouns just by looking at them. 

Gender expression and gender identity are two completely different things.
Recognize that just because someone may look or act in a way that is seen as very masculine, does not mean they identify as a man. 

Recognize that just because someone buys products seen as female-exclusive does not mean they are a woman.

This is the most important thing you can do to avoid misgendering people, even if it's all mental.

If you stop making assumptions in your head, you'll stop making them out loud.

Ask!

If you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just ask! People are a lot less likely to be offended by you asking than they would be if you just assumed and got it wrong. I personally feel very respected when people make the effort to ask instead of just guessing. 

If you're really that uncomfortable just asking someone that right off the bat, get in the habit of introducing yourself with the pronouns you go by.

If you introduce yourself with: "Hi, I'm Tristan and I use xe/xem pronouns"

It's likely you'll get similar info in their introduction back.

Use gender neutral pronouns as often as you can,

 especially in LGBTQIA+ spaces.

I've met women with beards and men with breasts.

I've met nonbinary and agender people that present very feminine or masculine, or are completely androgynous.

So just to clarify again - You CANNOT tell anyone's pronouns just by looking at them.

Which is why using gender neutral pronouns until you are positive of how someone identifies can be a very crucial thing that everyone should really learn to do.

While I think this is important to do no matter where you are, I find it especially important in places where you know there is a large amount of LGBTQIA+ people around.

At my first job I worked in a company that sold feminine clothing,

so we were trained to say "Hello lady/ladies, welcome to *store name*" every time someone came in.

But since clothing is genderless and there was no way to tell if everyone coming in identified as a lady, I got in the habit of saying "Hello everyone" or just simple "Hello, welcome to *store name*,

Some more examples...

Instead of "Mr", "Mrs.", "Miss" say "Mx.", their last name ("Novak" instead of "Mr. Novak"), or avoid the title ("Maya Matlin" instead of "Miss Matlin").

Instead of "He", "She", "Him", "Her", "His", "Hers" etc. say... "They", "Them", "Theirs" etc.

Instead of "You guys" say "You all; Everyone; All of you"

Instead of "That  is for that man/woman over there" say "That is for that person over there". or a descriptor like "That is for the person in the pink shirt".

Instead of "Ladies and Gentlemen" or "Boys and Girls" say "People, Folks, Children", etc.

Instead of "police man", "fireman", "stewardess" etc. say "police officer", "fire fighter", "flight attendant", etc.

Names can also be used in place of any pronouns, like saying:

"That belongs to Clare", "Jonah is not a senior" or "Where did Eli go?"

in place of   "That belongs to her", "They are not a senior", or "Where did he go?"

Look!

Now, before you say that this contradicts what I said about not being able to tell someone's gender identity by looking at them - I don't mean look at the person.

Many people include their pronouns somewhere on social media, like listing them in their Twitter or Instagram bios. Facebook even has an option for gender neutral pronouns to be used in place of he/him or she/her.

I wear a necklace with my pronouns on it almost every day. I've seen people do the same, as well as list them on nametags in appropriate circumstances. While this is not too common, I always check for something like this just to be safe.

Intigrate new information into the old

If you're dealing with someone who has just come out, mix their new info in with the old until you've got it down.

If your friend Gracie now wants to go by Adam you might get confused if you see that name pop up in your text messages and aren't used to calling that person by that name yet.

Try changing their contact info name to something like:

"Adam (Gracie)"

until you remember who that is and can just list them as Adam without being confused.

You can also add pronouns in there if those change too, like:

"Adam (Gracie - He/Him"

"Drew (They/Them)"

"Bianca (Ze/Zir)"

etc.

Practice

I've sat with my laptop open to someone's Facebook pictures and scrolled through them and said their pronouns over and over until they were drilled in my brain along with their face.

I've practiced sentences over and over in my head with someone's new name.

I've heard of people writing their friends' new names or pronouns over and over together so they associate them with each other.

When I joined a group chat with 30+ people I didn't know, I made a document in my phone with everyone's username, name and pronouns and opened it whenever I was on chat until I knew who everyone was and how they identified/

There is nothing wrong with having to do a certain tactic or two to get yourself out of an old habit and into a new one.

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Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth.

Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name".

Gender Expression: The way a person externally presents their or any gender identity, or the concept of masculinity vs. femininity

Non-binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female 

Agender: Someone who does not have a gender identity.

Androgynous: Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics 

Gender Neutral: Applicable to any or all genders

LGBTQIA+: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, plus

Mx.: A gender neutral title, in place of "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss."

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Spirit Day 2015

So the 5th annual Spirit Day has come and gone! I remembered to wear purple yesterday to show my support.It really made me miss back in high school when my entire GSA would show up in purple and emit this whole "big happy family" aura all day. I definitely saw less purple around the campus at MCC, and even then it was impossible to tell if the person was supporting the cause or just happened to be wearing purple. 

Photo Credit: GLAAD

I've really been wanting to start a GSA type club at MCC (although I wouldn't call it that - I'm thinking something more inclusive of all LGBTQA+ identities and allies), and that just made me want to start it more. 

(On that note - if anyone else is interested and/or knows of a staff member who could be an adviser PLEASE contact me!!)

But despite the lack of participation around here, there was loads of support all around the world! Playstation, Target, Google, Twitter, MTV, the NBA, even The White House all expressed their participation - and it doesn't end there! Big names like Laverne Cox, Troye Sivan, U.S. VP Joe Bidden and many more were also there to support. You can check out the lists of other big names and businesses that participated here.

Photo Credit: GLAAD

But it's important to remember that the support CANNOT end here!! Bullying and discrimination is a problem every day of the year for LGBTQA+ individuals. Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

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GSA: Gay-Straight Alliance; a club frequently found in supportive schools for LGB individuals and allies.

LGBTQA+: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, asexual, plus

Allies: Straight cisgender supporters of the LGBTQA+ community