My Gender Identity: How Do I Identify?

I talk a lot on here talking about all different gender identities and sexualities, but I've never actually taken the time to address how I identify.

My gender identity is genderfluid. This means that my gender fluctuates between different identities.

What most people don't realize is that gender is a spectrum. At birth, people are assigned male, female, or intersex based on their genitals. But this is simply their sex assigned at birth, and does not necessarily have anything to do with their gender identity. Rather, gender identity is all based on how a person feels.

Photo Credit: HopeIntercultural

Going back to the spectrum I mentioned earlier, you can see that there is plenty of room between the "guy" and "girl" gender markers on either side. This leaves room for a whole mess of gender identities that can lie in between. Some people identify as just one point on the spectrum, wherever that may be. But others, like me, can lie at two or more points on the spectrum and fluctuate in between them.

Everyone experiences gender differently, so the rest of this explanation is just how I feel about my own gender identity. It is in no way a definitive answer to how all genderfluid people identify.

For me, my dominant gender identity will always be as a boy. I feel like a boy most of the time; and even when I don't feel 100% like a boy there is still a part of my brain that holds on to my masculine identity. 

However, as I said - my gender identity fluctuates between different points. So yes, most of the time I identify as a boy. But other times I identify as a girl, or gender neutral/neutrois, or bigender, or agender.

My preference for pronouns is always they/them/their. However, I am also very comfortable with male pronouns like he/him/his at almost any time. Sometimes when I am feeling more feminine I am okay with she/her/hers pronouns, but that is so rare I almost never bring it up. 

(And for the record, I wear necklaces just about every day with my pronouns for the day on them. But if I'm not wearing them, it is ALWAYS okay to ask me!)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Sexuality: A person's sexual orientation, preference, or capacity for sexual feelings

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity fluctuates between two or more identities.

Intersex: Someone who is born with sexual anatomy that does not fit within one label of male or female.

Assigned Sex at Birth: The sex you are declared at birth based on your genitals

Gender Neutral/Neutrois: Applicable to any or all genders

Bigender: Someone whose gender identity switches between two fixed identities.

Agender: Someone who does not have a gender identity.

Frustrated Trans-Person/Student Rant

When will school faculty stop thinking they know how I identify better than I do? I understand what your paperwork says. I understand what you see, and that I may not be the most picture-perfect example of what you expect a "guy" to be. But what gives you the right to say that you see is more important than what I /know/ and live with every day?

I don't give a shit what you believe. If you think my identity is something to be shameful of, then that's your opinion and I respect it. All I ask for is the same respect, like not deliberately using my birth name or wrong pronouns continuously in a CLASSROOM where people don't all know I'm trans. This is not a battle to be held when you're in a position of power over me.

When you continue to out me in front of people who may or may not have known my assigned sex at birth, that not only destroys my self confidence and shows me that you don't care about respecting your students with the same respect you ask for, but it potentially puts me in danger - and as someone who is supposed to be a positive figure for their students that's not okay.

Rant over. <3

My tattoo, it reads "The Floor Is Hard, Not Unforgiving".

A constant reminder to myself to stay strong, and that nothing that is negative is worth submitting to.

Any obstacle can be overcome, you just need to be around to do it.

How Can I Avoid Misgendering Someone?

Photo Credit: Robert Gehl

So someone you know came out as transgender, or has asked you to use a different name or pronouns than you were using for them before. Obviously, getting used to referring to someone a different way will not always be an automatic thing. People are creatures of habit by nature. If we're used to doing something one way, we often do it that way without even thinking about it; and while changing that is definitely possible, it takes effort. 

We get it - it's okay! Nobody is perfect and mistakes happen. But obviously, you probably don't want to misgender someone just as badly as they don't want to be misgendered by you. Here are some things I have either tried myself or heard from others that can help you avoid accidentally misgendering someone, or get you used to remembering names and pronouns.

Never Assume

Realize that you CANNOT tell someone's pronouns just by looking at them. 

Gender expression and gender identity are two completely different things.
Recognize that just because someone may look or act in a way that is seen as very masculine, does not mean they identify as a man. 

Recognize that just because someone buys products seen as female-exclusive does not mean they are a woman.

This is the most important thing you can do to avoid misgendering people, even if it's all mental.

If you stop making assumptions in your head, you'll stop making them out loud.

Ask!

If you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just ask! People are a lot less likely to be offended by you asking than they would be if you just assumed and got it wrong. I personally feel very respected when people make the effort to ask instead of just guessing. 

If you're really that uncomfortable just asking someone that right off the bat, get in the habit of introducing yourself with the pronouns you go by.

If you introduce yourself with: "Hi, I'm Tristan and I use xe/xem pronouns"

It's likely you'll get similar info in their introduction back.

Use gender neutral pronouns as often as you can,

 especially in LGBTQIA+ spaces.

I've met women with beards and men with breasts.

I've met nonbinary and agender people that present very feminine or masculine, or are completely androgynous.

So just to clarify again - You CANNOT tell anyone's pronouns just by looking at them.

Which is why using gender neutral pronouns until you are positive of how someone identifies can be a very crucial thing that everyone should really learn to do.

While I think this is important to do no matter where you are, I find it especially important in places where you know there is a large amount of LGBTQIA+ people around.

At my first job I worked in a company that sold feminine clothing,

so we were trained to say "Hello lady/ladies, welcome to *store name*" every time someone came in.

But since clothing is genderless and there was no way to tell if everyone coming in identified as a lady, I got in the habit of saying "Hello everyone" or just simple "Hello, welcome to *store name*,

Some more examples...

Instead of "Mr", "Mrs.", "Miss" say "Mx.", their last name ("Novak" instead of "Mr. Novak"), or avoid the title ("Maya Matlin" instead of "Miss Matlin").

Instead of "He", "She", "Him", "Her", "His", "Hers" etc. say... "They", "Them", "Theirs" etc.

Instead of "You guys" say "You all; Everyone; All of you"

Instead of "That  is for that man/woman over there" say "That is for that person over there". or a descriptor like "That is for the person in the pink shirt".

Instead of "Ladies and Gentlemen" or "Boys and Girls" say "People, Folks, Children", etc.

Instead of "police man", "fireman", "stewardess" etc. say "police officer", "fire fighter", "flight attendant", etc.

Names can also be used in place of any pronouns, like saying:

"That belongs to Clare", "Jonah is not a senior" or "Where did Eli go?"

in place of   "That belongs to her", "They are not a senior", or "Where did he go?"

Look!

Now, before you say that this contradicts what I said about not being able to tell someone's gender identity by looking at them - I don't mean look at the person.

Many people include their pronouns somewhere on social media, like listing them in their Twitter or Instagram bios. Facebook even has an option for gender neutral pronouns to be used in place of he/him or she/her.

I wear a necklace with my pronouns on it almost every day. I've seen people do the same, as well as list them on nametags in appropriate circumstances. While this is not too common, I always check for something like this just to be safe.

Intigrate new information into the old

If you're dealing with someone who has just come out, mix their new info in with the old until you've got it down.

If your friend Gracie now wants to go by Adam you might get confused if you see that name pop up in your text messages and aren't used to calling that person by that name yet.

Try changing their contact info name to something like:

"Adam (Gracie)"

until you remember who that is and can just list them as Adam without being confused.

You can also add pronouns in there if those change too, like:

"Adam (Gracie - He/Him"

"Drew (They/Them)"

"Bianca (Ze/Zir)"

etc.

Practice

I've sat with my laptop open to someone's Facebook pictures and scrolled through them and said their pronouns over and over until they were drilled in my brain along with their face.

I've practiced sentences over and over in my head with someone's new name.

I've heard of people writing their friends' new names or pronouns over and over together so they associate them with each other.

When I joined a group chat with 30+ people I didn't know, I made a document in my phone with everyone's username, name and pronouns and opened it whenever I was on chat until I knew who everyone was and how they identified/

There is nothing wrong with having to do a certain tactic or two to get yourself out of an old habit and into a new one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth.

Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name".

Gender Expression: The way a person externally presents their or any gender identity, or the concept of masculinity vs. femininity

Non-binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female 

Agender: Someone who does not have a gender identity.

Androgynous: Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics 

Gender Neutral: Applicable to any or all genders

LGBTQIA+: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, plus

Mx.: A gender neutral title, in place of "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss."

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Misgendering: What it is and Why it Matters.

Content Warning: Misgendering.

If you are bothered by the mention of misgendering, please read with caution.

I have defined misgendering on this blog as:

"To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name."

Photo Credit: Sacha

Misgendering is really a very broad topic because it can be done in so many ways, and is likely to effect everyone differently. What one person is offended by may not offend the next and vice versa.

 Someone may be okay with being misgendered in certain situations,

like if they're not out to everyone and don't wish to be...

...While others aren't okay with it under any circumstances.

(This is pretty typical - but it's always best to ask if you're unsure!)

Misgendering can include:

•  Not using someone's correct pronouns.
•  Referring to a person with a gender they do not identify as (such as the sex they were assigned at birth.)
•  Calling someone by their birth name when they have asked to be called something different
• Asking someone what their "real name" or "real gender" was upon finding out they are transgender.
• Telling someone their pronouns or gender identity "do not exist" 

Fun fact, not only transgender people are effected by misgendering either...

That cisgender boy on your softball team that everyone jokingly refers to as a girl because he can't pitch as well as the others?

Yep, he's being misgendered.

That girl with the short hair who wears boy clothes and is constantly referred to in a masculine way even though she identifies as female?

Her too. 

Photo Credit: House of Juan

So now on to the big question:

Why does this matter?

If you have siblings, think of this scenario.

*If not, try thinking of a cousin, a parents' sibling, housemate, etc, in place of a sibling:

Have you ever been called by your siblings' name by accident? Of course you have. Because parents are people and make mistakes like the rest of us. 

So your parent calls you by the wrong name and you probably laugh and remind them what name is yours. They probably laugh with you and might say sorry and call you by the correct name this time.

But then it happens again. No big deal...until it happens a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth...

 Your parent is addressing you but keeps using your siblings name instead. At first it was no big deal, but now it's getting annoying. You correct them again, but this time - nothing. They don't laugh, they don't apologize. They just keep doing it like they can't hear you.

Then it spreads. Now it's not just your parent calling you by your siblings name but your classmates, co-workers, other family members, the teller at the bank. No matter how many people you correct, it makes no difference. Everyone is completely set on referring to you by your siblings name.

Some people just ignore you when you correct them. Some stare you up and down like you're a space alien and say "No, your name is..." and insert your siblings' name where your name should be. They start talking to you about all these things your sibling likes that you couldn't give a crap about. When you try to talk about your interests and what you like, they ignore it. They insist they know who you are and what you like to talk about.

 You can't fight it. The more you do and the more angry you get, the more persistent people are on telling you you're wrong. If you get angry, they get angry back. This doesn't just happen for a day. This happens for days, weeks, months, years...for the rest of your life.

You KNOW what your name is, and you know that is who you are. 

You have your own identity. 

But that identity doesn't matter to anybody but you anymore. 

Everyone you meet tells you they know you better than you do.

Think about how you would feel. 

Unheard? Misunderstood? Invalidated? Frustrated?

 Like your feelings don't matter? Like people don't know who you are anymore? 

Unimportant? Irrelevant? Hopeless? Confused? Hurt?

By now, I hope you see the connection. Nobody knows you better than you do, but when someone is misgendered it's telling them the opposite. It's telling them that their gender identity doesn't matter. It's telling them that they can only be who you want them to be, not who they are. Not only is it rude and disrespectful, it's mentally draining. It hurts. It's creating a world where people are not safe being themselves.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out: A term used for someone who has already "come out" about how they identify in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Pronouns: A replacement for nouns and noun phrases (He, they, ze, you, etc)

Birth Name: The name someone is given at birth.

Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Cisgender: Someone whose gender identity does align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Being Misgendered

Content Warning: Misgendering.

If you are bothered by talk of being misgendered, please read with caution.

Photo Credit: Sleepyllama

The other day at work I walked in and was greeted by the few of my co-workers that were hanging around like normal. About five minutes into my shift I got a phone call from one of them who wanted to apologize to me for apparently saying "Hey girl!" when she greeted me. Truthfully, I was so tuned in to what I was doing that oddly enough, I didn't even notice what she said. I just took it as any other greeting, said "Hey!" back, and continued on with what I was doing.

This was a rare occurrence in many ways. For one thing, it's not very often I don't notice being misgendered. Even though it's something that happens to me multiple times on a daily basis, it's still one of the worst things I've ever experienced. For me, the  feeling is somewhere between being punched in the gut really hard and realizing I've shown up to school naked. It hurts, it's embarrassing, and it makes me feel exposed and invalidated. It's something I will never get used to, no matter how many times I've lied and told people that I am used to it.

But the thing that really stuck out to me was how my co-worker reacted to what she did. I've received a lot of different reactions when someone misgenders me. Most people don't even realize what they've done, and upon being corrected give me a look like I've just spoken to them in that Ubbi Dubbi language that PBS made up for Zoom back in the 90's.

 A good majority of those people still continue to do it even after being corrected. Some act like I've just told them I'm secretly an alien life-form sent to Earth to scope out the lifestyle, and continue the conversation wide-eyed with things like "Really?!" or "Prove it!". Others act like they've just triggered a bomb that's going to go off in exactly 30 seconds if they don't do everything in their power to make a big deal over their mistake.

I really appreciated the way my co-worker corrected her mistake. Without making a huge deal of it, she apologized, explained why she was doing so and that she understands she made a mistake, listened to me say thanks, and moved on. It was simple, it was calm, and most importantly it was incredibly nice to hear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to someone by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name.

Mom, Dad...I'd Like You to Meet my Dragon.

Photo Credit: Unknown.

If you know the source of this image, please contact me so I can give proper credit!

I found this on Instagram and had a good laugh over it. It reminded me of when I came out about my gender identity and an old friend jokingly asked if he could refer to me as "Your Majesty" in place of my old pronouns since it is technically a gender neutral term.

But in all seriousness, this was a huge thing for me when I was coming to terms with my gender identity. What would happen when I was in a relationship someday? I had no idea what I would prefer to be referred to as. The only gender neutral term I really was aware of was partner,
which I personally cannot stand because it just reminds me of...

Photo credit: @cowboywoodyy on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/cowboywoodyy

But as I stepped foot further into the transgender community I discovered there are actually many different terms someone can use in place of boyfriend or girlfriend (or partner, thankfully for me!) when referring to your non-binary lover - and don't worry...not all of them are as ridiculous as "Daffodil".
(Although, I will fully accept anyone referring to me as their "sick meme" anytime.)

Try some of these out if you or your significant other prefers non-binary relationship terms:

Accomplice
I had not actually thought of this one until I was making this list
 (ironically it became first because of alphabetization)
but I really like this one!
Although, people may think you just committed a crime together...

Baby/Babe
Definitely not an uncommon term to hear in regards to a person someone is in a relationship with.
But you may need to watch the context so people do not confuse your "baby" for an actual infant.

Bae
Different from baby or babe because this one actually stands for "Before Anyone Else".
Personally, this one is one of my favorites.
Even if it does get a harsh rep from the internet for translating to "poop" in Danish.

Beloved
Powerful, but effective.

Betrothed
Typically only used in the context of marriage.
So unless you're married to or planning to marry the person at hand, another term may be less confusing.

Boo
Did I scare you?

Bothfriend
This one could be perfect for someone who identifies as or switches between two different genders!

Companion
Everyone needs one.

Complement
As in someone who completes you.
How sweet!

Cuddle Buddy
Netflix and chill, anyone?

Darling
Translates to "one dearly loved."

Date/Datefriend/Datemate
These are becoming a lot more common, especially in queer spaces.
Although "date" is usually seen as someone you're not necessarily exclusive with yet,
these are still great options even for an exclusive relationship.

Enbyfriend
Exclusive for non-binary relationships, with "enby" standing for NB, which stands for non-binary.
Did you catch all that?

Epox
Derives from the French word "epoux", which translates to "spouse".

Feyfriend
Another one specific to non-binary relationships.
According to the Internet, this one is commonly used for people leaning more towards a queer identity.

Flame
For some reason I'm really drawn to this one.
It's just so...hot!
(Sorry.)

Genderfriend
YES!
An ex used to refer to me as their "GF" which apparently stood for "Genderfluid Friend" to them, 
but I like this a lot better.

Honey
Just make sure you don't shrink the kids.

Imzadi
The Internet tells me this one comes from Star Trek and was used as a term similar to "beloved."
Live long and prosper.

Infatuate
Add this to the list of names I was unaware of until this list.
Gotta say, I really like this one too.

Loveperson/Lovefriend
Maybe not short - but these are sweet and to the point.

Lover
Someone once told me that to them this term specifically denotes a sexual relationship.
So if that bothers you, you may want to keep that implication in mind.

Match
Even better if you met on Tinder.

Mate
To our Australian friends it means just that - a friend,
but in the animal kingdom it refers to two animals who really love each other.

Other Half
Because you're incomplete without them.
Aw.

Paramour
No, not like the band.
Apparently this term also has sexual implications.

Partner
Just because I hate it does not mean you have to!
Really, this is probably the most common term for any relationship
 that chooses not to label themselves with "boyfriend" or girlfriend".

Partner in Crime/PIC
* See: Accomplice.

Person
Definitely my favorite from this list.
It's simply put yet easy to define and understand.

Playmate
Not quite like your elementary school playmates.

Queerfriend
Obviously meant for someone who prefers or likes a queer label.

Sidekick
All the best people have one.
Batman had Robin, Timon had Pumba, Spongebob had Patrick...

Significant Other/SO
Another common one that's easy to understand.
Kinda formal, but sweet.

Soulmate
Aw.

Special Friend
Personally, this is another one that makes me cringe
because when my mom started dating again this is what she called every random guy
that was suddenly in our kitchen for breakfast in the morning.

Suitor
Taking it way back to the Middle Ages.

Sweetheart
How...sweet?


These are just some of the terms I've come across through the web or through people in LGBTQA+ spaces sharing their preferences. Anyone else out there have any others they like?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Pronouns: A replacement for nouns and noun phrases (He, she, they, ze, you, etc.)

Gender Neutral: Applicable to any or all genders.

Transgender: Someone whose biological sex does not align with their gender identity.

Non-Binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female.

Queer: An in-group term sometimes used to refer to the entire LGBTQA+ community, or certain people in the community who define themselves this way. 

Enby/NB: Stands for non-binary

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity fluctuates between two or more identities.

LGBTQA+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Asexual, +