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How Can I Avoid Misgendering Someone?

Photo Credit: Robert Gehl

So someone you know came out as transgender, or has asked you to use a different name or pronouns than you were using for them before. Obviously, getting used to referring to someone a different way will not always be an automatic thing. People are creatures of habit by nature. If we're used to doing something one way, we often do it that way without even thinking about it; and while changing that is definitely possible, it takes effort. 

We get it - it's okay! Nobody is perfect and mistakes happen. But obviously, you probably don't want to misgender someone just as badly as they don't want to be misgendered by you. Here are some things I have either tried myself or heard from others that can help you avoid accidentally misgendering someone, or get you used to remembering names and pronouns.

Never Assume

Realize that you CANNOT tell someone's pronouns just by looking at them. 

Gender expression and gender identity are two completely different things.
Recognize that just because someone may look or act in a way that is seen as very masculine, does not mean they identify as a man. 

Recognize that just because someone buys products seen as female-exclusive does not mean they are a woman.

This is the most important thing you can do to avoid misgendering people, even if it's all mental.

If you stop making assumptions in your head, you'll stop making them out loud.

Ask!

If you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just ask! People are a lot less likely to be offended by you asking than they would be if you just assumed and got it wrong. I personally feel very respected when people make the effort to ask instead of just guessing. 

If you're really that uncomfortable just asking someone that right off the bat, get in the habit of introducing yourself with the pronouns you go by.

If you introduce yourself with: "Hi, I'm Tristan and I use xe/xem pronouns"

It's likely you'll get similar info in their introduction back.

Use gender neutral pronouns as often as you can,

 especially in LGBTQIA+ spaces.

I've met women with beards and men with breasts.

I've met nonbinary and agender people that present very feminine or masculine, or are completely androgynous.

So just to clarify again - You CANNOT tell anyone's pronouns just by looking at them.

Which is why using gender neutral pronouns until you are positive of how someone identifies can be a very crucial thing that everyone should really learn to do.

While I think this is important to do no matter where you are, I find it especially important in places where you know there is a large amount of LGBTQIA+ people around.

At my first job I worked in a company that sold feminine clothing,

so we were trained to say "Hello lady/ladies, welcome to *store name*" every time someone came in.

But since clothing is genderless and there was no way to tell if everyone coming in identified as a lady, I got in the habit of saying "Hello everyone" or just simple "Hello, welcome to *store name*,

Some more examples...

Instead of "Mr", "Mrs.", "Miss" say "Mx.", their last name ("Novak" instead of "Mr. Novak"), or avoid the title ("Maya Matlin" instead of "Miss Matlin").

Instead of "He", "She", "Him", "Her", "His", "Hers" etc. say... "They", "Them", "Theirs" etc.

Instead of "You guys" say "You all; Everyone; All of you"

Instead of "That  is for that man/woman over there" say "That is for that person over there". or a descriptor like "That is for the person in the pink shirt".

Instead of "Ladies and Gentlemen" or "Boys and Girls" say "People, Folks, Children", etc.

Instead of "police man", "fireman", "stewardess" etc. say "police officer", "fire fighter", "flight attendant", etc.

Names can also be used in place of any pronouns, like saying:

"That belongs to Clare", "Jonah is not a senior" or "Where did Eli go?"

in place of   "That belongs to her", "They are not a senior", or "Where did he go?"

Look!

Now, before you say that this contradicts what I said about not being able to tell someone's gender identity by looking at them - I don't mean look at the person.

Many people include their pronouns somewhere on social media, like listing them in their Twitter or Instagram bios. Facebook even has an option for gender neutral pronouns to be used in place of he/him or she/her.

I wear a necklace with my pronouns on it almost every day. I've seen people do the same, as well as list them on nametags in appropriate circumstances. While this is not too common, I always check for something like this just to be safe.

Intigrate new information into the old

If you're dealing with someone who has just come out, mix their new info in with the old until you've got it down.

If your friend Gracie now wants to go by Adam you might get confused if you see that name pop up in your text messages and aren't used to calling that person by that name yet.

Try changing their contact info name to something like:

"Adam (Gracie)"

until you remember who that is and can just list them as Adam without being confused.

You can also add pronouns in there if those change too, like:

"Adam (Gracie - He/Him"

"Drew (They/Them)"

"Bianca (Ze/Zir)"

etc.

Practice

I've sat with my laptop open to someone's Facebook pictures and scrolled through them and said their pronouns over and over until they were drilled in my brain along with their face.

I've practiced sentences over and over in my head with someone's new name.

I've heard of people writing their friends' new names or pronouns over and over together so they associate them with each other.

When I joined a group chat with 30+ people I didn't know, I made a document in my phone with everyone's username, name and pronouns and opened it whenever I was on chat until I knew who everyone was and how they identified/

There is nothing wrong with having to do a certain tactic or two to get yourself out of an old habit and into a new one.

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Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth.

Misgender: To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name".

Gender Expression: The way a person externally presents their or any gender identity, or the concept of masculinity vs. femininity

Non-binary: Any gender identity that is not specifically male or female 

Agender: Someone who does not have a gender identity.

Androgynous: Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics 

Gender Neutral: Applicable to any or all genders

LGBTQIA+: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, plus

Mx.: A gender neutral title, in place of "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss."

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Misgendering: What it is and Why it Matters.

Content Warning: Misgendering.

If you are bothered by the mention of misgendering, please read with caution.

I have defined misgendering on this blog as:

"To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name."

Photo Credit: Sacha

Misgendering is really a very broad topic because it can be done in so many ways, and is likely to effect everyone differently. What one person is offended by may not offend the next and vice versa.

 Someone may be okay with being misgendered in certain situations,

like if they're not out to everyone and don't wish to be...

...While others aren't okay with it under any circumstances.

(This is pretty typical - but it's always best to ask if you're unsure!)

Misgendering can include:

•  Not using someone's correct pronouns.
•  Referring to a person with a gender they do not identify as (such as the sex they were assigned at birth.)
•  Calling someone by their birth name when they have asked to be called something different
• Asking someone what their "real name" or "real gender" was upon finding out they are transgender.
• Telling someone their pronouns or gender identity "do not exist" 

Fun fact, not only transgender people are effected by misgendering either...

That cisgender boy on your softball team that everyone jokingly refers to as a girl because he can't pitch as well as the others?

Yep, he's being misgendered.

That girl with the short hair who wears boy clothes and is constantly referred to in a masculine way even though she identifies as female?

Her too. 

Photo Credit: House of Juan

So now on to the big question:

Why does this matter?

If you have siblings, think of this scenario.

*If not, try thinking of a cousin, a parents' sibling, housemate, etc, in place of a sibling:

Have you ever been called by your siblings' name by accident? Of course you have. Because parents are people and make mistakes like the rest of us. 

So your parent calls you by the wrong name and you probably laugh and remind them what name is yours. They probably laugh with you and might say sorry and call you by the correct name this time.

But then it happens again. No big deal...until it happens a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth...

 Your parent is addressing you but keeps using your siblings name instead. At first it was no big deal, but now it's getting annoying. You correct them again, but this time - nothing. They don't laugh, they don't apologize. They just keep doing it like they can't hear you.

Then it spreads. Now it's not just your parent calling you by your siblings name but your classmates, co-workers, other family members, the teller at the bank. No matter how many people you correct, it makes no difference. Everyone is completely set on referring to you by your siblings name.

Some people just ignore you when you correct them. Some stare you up and down like you're a space alien and say "No, your name is..." and insert your siblings' name where your name should be. They start talking to you about all these things your sibling likes that you couldn't give a crap about. When you try to talk about your interests and what you like, they ignore it. They insist they know who you are and what you like to talk about.

 You can't fight it. The more you do and the more angry you get, the more persistent people are on telling you you're wrong. If you get angry, they get angry back. This doesn't just happen for a day. This happens for days, weeks, months, years...for the rest of your life.

You KNOW what your name is, and you know that is who you are. 

You have your own identity. 

But that identity doesn't matter to anybody but you anymore. 

Everyone you meet tells you they know you better than you do.

Think about how you would feel. 

Unheard? Misunderstood? Invalidated? Frustrated?

 Like your feelings don't matter? Like people don't know who you are anymore? 

Unimportant? Irrelevant? Hopeless? Confused? Hurt?

By now, I hope you see the connection. Nobody knows you better than you do, but when someone is misgendered it's telling them the opposite. It's telling them that their gender identity doesn't matter. It's telling them that they can only be who you want them to be, not who they are. Not only is it rude and disrespectful, it's mentally draining. It hurts. It's creating a world where people are not safe being themselves.

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Out: A term used for someone who has already "come out" about how they identify in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Pronouns: A replacement for nouns and noun phrases (He, they, ze, you, etc)

Birth Name: The name someone is given at birth.

Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Cisgender: Someone whose gender identity does align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

LGBTQA+ Representation on Youtube

Photo Credit: Jordan Crook

Anyone who knows me personally knows that YouTube has taken up a good chunk of my life. Besides having my own channel and being surrounded by many friends who do the same, I often find myself sucked into that never ending pattern of going on YouTube to watch one thing only to waste two hours clicking around on random links. 

But what a lot of people don't realize is that YouTube is more than attractive foreign guys and cat videos. YouTube is actually a great platform for many big things, and can be a great place to go to find information on just about any subject. Most importantly, I think YouTube is a great place to go when you want to feel like you're not alone. 

When I was first working out the kinks in my gender identity, I turned to YouTube a lot. Through YouTube I actually found a lot of great information that really helped me figure myself out (and one special YouTuber named Jake who had a huge impact on my life). So I figured I should give some of my favorite channels for this kind of content a shout out! 

Some of them are pretty well known. Others could use a little lovin'. 

I've included everyone's channel link, plus a short little description of how they're relevant to the community and what else you can find on their channel. 

*Some channels may contain some NSFW content. View at your own discretion.

Jake Edwards 

(Transgender, Pansexual, Same-Sex Relationship, Musician)

Alex Bertie

(Transgender, Pansexual, Same-Sex Relationship, Graphic Design, Nerd Things)

Skylar Kergil 

(Transgender, Pansexual, Hetero Relationship, STI Information, Musician, Cats)

Chase Ross

(Transgender, Sex Information, Runner)

Chandler Wilson

(Agender, Trans Youth, Trans Relationships, Cute as Heck)

Ashley Mardell

(Queer, Androgyny, Same-Sex Relationship, LGBTQA+ Information, Bow Ties, Beer)

Hartbeat

(Lesbian, POC, Comedy, Watermelons)

Benton Sorensen

(Transgender, Testosterone Comparisons, Short Films)

Hannah Hart

(Lesbian, Same-Sex Relationship, Alcohol, Cooking, Comedy)

TimmyFellDownTheWell

(Gay, Body Image, Gender Expression, Comedy, Music Parodies)

I'm sure I'm missing a few, and if I think of them or find anymore that I like I'll edit this post and add them in! Remember, this is just a small fraction of the LGBTQA+ representation on YouTube.

 If anyone else knows of someone worth sharing please let me know too!

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Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender

Transgender: Someone whose biological sex does not align with their gender identity

Pansexual: Sexual attraction not limited by gender identity or biological sex

Agender: Someone who does not identify with any gender 

Queer: An in-group term sometimes used to refer to the entire LGBTQA+ community, or certain people in the community who define themselves this way.

Androgyny: Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics

LGBTQA+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning/Queer, Asexual, + 

Lesbian: Someone who identifies as female and is sexually attracted to females

Testosterone: A steroid hormone used to develop a masculine appearance and features

Gay: Someone who identifies as male and is sexually attracted to males; or an umbrella term for anyone who is sexually attracted to their own sex

Gender Expression: The way someone represents gender based on their appearance, mannerisms, etc.