Content Warning: Misgendering.
If you are bothered by the mention of misgendering, please read with caution.
I have defined misgendering on this blog as:
"To invalidate someone's gender; Usually by referring to them by an incorrect gender, incorrect pronouns, or a birth name."
Photo Credit: Sacha
Misgendering is really a very broad topic because it can be done in so many ways, and is likely to effect everyone differently. What one person is offended by may not offend the next and vice versa.
Someone may be okay with being misgendered in certain situations,
like if they're not out to everyone and don't wish to be...
...While others aren't okay with it under any circumstances.
(This is pretty typical - but it's always best to ask if you're unsure!)
Misgendering can include:
- Not using someone's correct pronouns.
- Referring to a person with a gender they do not identify as (such as the sex they were assigned at birth.)
- Calling someone by their birth name when they have asked to be called something different
- Asking someone what their "real name" or "real gender" was upon finding out they are transgender.
- Telling someone their pronouns or gender identity "do not exist"
Fun fact, not only transgender people are effected by misgendering either...
That cisgender boy on your softball team that everyone jokingly refers to as a girl because he can't pitch as well as the others?
Yep, he's being misgendered.
That girl with the short hair who wears boy clothes and is constantly referred to in a masculine way even though she identifies as female?
Her too.
Photo Credit: House of Juan
So now on to the big question:
Why does this matter?
If you have siblings, think of this scenario.
*If not, try thinking of a cousin, a parents' sibling, housemate, etc, in place of a sibling:
Have you ever been called by your siblings' name by accident? Of course you have. Because parents are people and make mistakes like the rest of us.
So your parent calls you by the wrong name and you probably laugh and remind them what name is yours. They probably laugh with you and might say sorry and call you by the correct name this time.
But then it happens again. No big deal...until it happens a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth...
Your parent is addressing you but keeps using your siblings name instead. At first it was no big deal, but now it's getting annoying. You correct them again, but this time - nothing. They don't laugh, they don't apologize. They just keep doing it like they can't hear you.
Then it spreads. Now it's not just your parent calling you by your siblings name but your classmates, co-workers, other family members, the teller at the bank. No matter how many people you correct, it makes no difference. Everyone is completely set on referring to you by your siblings name.
Some people just ignore you when you correct them. Some stare you up and down like you're a space alien and say "No, your name is..." and insert your siblings' name where your name should be. They start talking to you about all these things your sibling likes that you couldn't give a crap about. When you try to talk about your interests and what you like, they ignore it. They insist they know who you are and what you like to talk about.
You can't fight it. The more you do and the more angry you get, the more persistent people are on telling you you're wrong. If you get angry, they get angry back. This doesn't just happen for a day. This happens for days, weeks, months, years...for the rest of your life.
You KNOW what your name is, and you know that is who you are.
You have your own identity.
But that identity doesn't matter to anybody but you anymore.
Everyone you meet tells you they know you better than you do.
Think about how you would feel.
Unheard? Misunderstood? Invalidated? Frustrated?
Like your feelings don't matter? Like people don't know who you are anymore?
Unimportant? Irrelevant? Hopeless? Confused? Hurt?
By now, I hope you see the connection. Nobody knows you better than you do, but when someone is misgendered it's telling them the opposite. It's telling them that their gender identity doesn't matter. It's telling them that they can only be who you want them to be, not who they are. Not only is it rude and disrespectful, it's mentally draining. It hurts. It's creating a world where people are not safe being themselves.
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Out: A term used for someone who has already "come out" about how they identify in the LGBTQIA+ community.
Pronouns: A replacement for nouns and noun phrases (He, they, ze, you, etc)
Birth Name: The name someone is given at birth.
Transgender: Someone whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
Gender Identity: A person's personal perception of their own gender
Cisgender: Someone whose gender identity does align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
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